I’M BACK, KIDS!

After several months traveling around the country, from Dunkin Donuts in Wasilla, AK, to Krispy Kreme in Mobile, AL, in search of another Congressional District to run in, I have returned to AZ-5 so I can celebrate my first anniversary as a registered voter in Arizona. Yes, you heard me right- this week, I will have been a registered Republican in the great decent state of Arizona for exactly one year. I will celebrate this milestone on the food day of all food days, the Super BOWL. Every year, I challenge myself to eating more chicken wings, guacamole, and pie than I did the previous year. Last year, because I was busy moving from California in to my new Arizona house, I neglected my dietary duty and only ate 3 more pounds of food than I did the year before. This year, I will not fail. I have stocked up on blueberry, apple, your basic cream-based, and rhubarb pies for this occasion.

Help me eat in the 2nd (and possibly final) year of my Arizona residency by making my challenge yours.

Good luck, God bless, and May your bowl never be empty.

The Right (proper) Kind of Change

I’m for “the right kind of change.”

A question I get asked a lot is, “Jim, you were an ad man for years, working for other people, to help come up with slogans for companies such as Nike, George Lucas’ ugly step-child LucasArts, and, for some reason, Microsoft. How is it you claim to be so successful with those ads, and yet for your own campaign, all you can come up with is some re-used, Obama tossed, democrat laden slogan that even Joe Biden calls ‘trite’? Why is your slogan so bad???” Well, to answer you, I think you’re reading it wrong. I’m not talking about political change, or the change Obama was talking about, or even a change of clothes (See my TARP plan). I’m not even talking about a change of address, like the one I just had, moving from California to Arizona to run for Congress 9 months ago, in a State I just realized existed (thank you, outstanding Mexican food). The “change” I am referring to is the change you get at McDonalds.

For years, they have been giving me incorrect change every time I order my favorite treats. You would think after 45 years of patronage, they would know what change to give me, just as they know, my order the minute I walk in the room. This even happens in California, where I’m from. There, they know to get me my usual (two big macs, two shakes, three fries, two pies, a 20-piece chicken mcnugget, and a diet coke). I hand them the 50 dollar bill, and they hand me the wrong change, every time. Instead of being able to waddle away, and “loving it,” the way they want me to, I’m left to argue over proper change, thus cooling off the deliciously fresh chicken nuggets and melting away the two shamrock shakes I have previously ordered.

This is why I’m running for congress. I’ll enact legislation that guarantees every American the right kind of change when they pull up to their local McDonalds. Even if they just moved there.

Not only am I AMAZING, I look like…

Can you tell the difference? The Candyman can’t! By the way, I love candy!

The results are in…

The results are in, and over 80 of you voted! (That’s more votes than I got in high school when I ran for student body parliamentarian!) Anyway, 38% of my faithful readers believe that I deserve to be the next congressman from AZ-5 because I just moved here!!! Apparently, my fresh perspective and absolute ignorance on all things CD-5 makes me the frontrunner in this campaign. Furthermore, my enormous experience in following someone else’s lead and spending other people’s money puts me head and neck-rolls above my competitors… I mean, think about it. I won’t have to learn a whole lot when I get to the halls of the Peoples’ House. Spending taxpayer dollars will be second nature to me and I will just do whatever my leadership tells me to do.

So for all you naysayers out there, just take another look at my poll. I’m obviously better than you. I’m Jim Ward! Hooray!

MY TARP PLAN

A lot has been made about President Bush’s TARP. The “Troubled Asset Relief Plan,” as it is formally called. President Obama (who’s name reminds me of sweetened meats I get at Christmas) has continued the program, with marginal success. Some might argue that it has been a complete waste of taxpayer dollars – that the economy would have eventually corrected itself, and the fact that we have lost millions of jobs instead of tens of millions is no small comfort. I tend to agree with this argument. However, in my effort to come up with legislation we all can get behind, I’ve written my own “TARP” plan. It’s a bailout, specifically for fat people. You see, when you have a “healthy” appetite like I do (5500-7800 calories per day), shirts seem to be a little too tight, and skin folds tend to show themselves through whatever you’re wearing. Also, tight shirts wick away the baby powder one needs to stay dry. One article of clothing acts like a TARP, and covers all the rolls and folds, giving the appearance of a smooth, albeit pear shaped, human being. These TARPs? Sweaters! My legislation will ensure all overweight Americans have at least 5 different sweaters to wear, no matter what their size may be. Think about it. We get to eat without shame, and the rest of America will get to have their eyes relieved of any pressure put on by staring at rolls through shirts.

Check this out! With this TARP on, you can barely tell how much I weigh.  Ok, I know what you’re thinking. Jimmy James, how on earth are sweaters going to stand up to the voluminous amounts of Cheetos greese wiped repeatedly onto these florally-awesome TARPS???

I’ll tell you how: Polymer lining. It’s just that simple. I’ve developed (in my top secret Food Lab, funded by money found from cutting jobs at LucasArts) a sweater material that doesn’t show stains.  No more shame. No more guilt. TARPs for all.  Freedom for Americans.

A vote for Jim Ward is a vote for TARPs.

Welcome back, me (The chickenwing fiasco)

Ok, sorry for the lack of posts over the weekend. Admittingly, I was not feeling so well. It all started Saturday morning. I was looking through my freezer, in order to find some breakfast meats to enjoy while watching footage of myself talking to George Lucas, when, suddenly, I fell in love. It was the biggest, boldest bag of mild chicken wings I have ever seen. Clearly, one of my friends, like Tiger Woods or Nike, knew that I would be craving a delicious breakfast, and stored the 12.5lb bag in my secondary freezer. Upon reading the instructions, I realized it would take over 10 minutes to heat up the entire bag in the microwave. WHO HAS 10 MINUTES TO WAIT FOR CHICKEN??? I mean, I never wait for anything. Take my run for Congress, as an example. I could have run in California, where I’ve lived for years, or come to AZ and built up a base over the years that would give me rapport with my future constituents. However, being Jim Ward, I know I don’t wait for anything. So, I moved to AZ and decided to run immediately, even though I JUST found out where Arizona is seven months ago, when Tiger Woods was telling me about it. So here I am, with this dilemma: Do I, the great Jim Ward, actually WAIT for my wings? Of course not. I dove right in to the bag. I must admit, the freezer encased the wings in a not so delicious layer of ice. I have ambition, and I plowed through. Big mistake. About 11.7 pounds into the bag, I began to feel a rumble in my colon. A quick call to my personal doctor, almost-Surgeon General Sanjay Gupta (you may have heard of him?), led me to the knowledge that people should not consume uncooked chicken. He also informed me, I should not be eating the chicken bones. My question is this: If you’re not to eat the bones, why do they taste so good? Explain that, science. Anyway, long story short, I had a weekend long case of the poops. I’m back at it now, though. How back? It’s the afternoon, and I’ve already had over 7 trays of chicken wings. Fully cooked, thank you very much.

I am better than myself at Twitterings!

I am officially better than myself! I knew it would happen someday, but who knew it would happen so soon?!? Big thanks to my 164+ followers on Twitter. This is just the first step in my eventual total-galaxy domination. At least I won’t be called a carpetbagger since I’ve spent more than 27 days  in this galaxy.

Anyway, please continue to vote in the poll below. I need to work on my message a little bit… It’s ALMOST awesome.

Fire Jim Ward Petition

Although I made the decision to leave LucasArts on my own volition, there were some fellow gamers (133 to be exact) who wanted to show me the door prior to my sudden departure. The REAL reason I left LucasArts (other than doing a horrible job and leaving the place in shambles), was for “personal (medical) reasons” and for my own “self-improvement journey” (losing weight so I can move to Arizona and run for congress). Just the same, if you’d like to take a look at the petition, click here.

Official Jim Ward Poll

Did you see me?

For all of my Lego Star Wars fans (a game I invented to serve the country), there’s a hidden door on the fourth level. Find it, and you’ll be able to play the game as me, Lego Jim Ward. That way, you can team up with people like Lego George Lucas, and Lego Apple Computers. You may have heard of them.